Withdrawal…

“I most definitely AM a bell end.”

I have a lovely habit…I mean this entirely sarcastically of course. Of all the habits I have the only lovely one is putting my change in charity boxes on the reg. The rest are self destructive and frustratingly damaging.

The thing no one tells you about stopping drinking is that it’s not JUST about stopping drinking. A lot of those habits you create around you in fact facilitate this one huge booze habit that you’re now not doing. Meaning, when you stop, it shines a lovely bright light on all of the other things that don’t make you feel good. There are so many for me; smoking, listening to sad music to sit in the shitty sadness I’m feeling that day, biting my nails until they bleed, but there’s one I’m falling victim to over and over. I’m a massive withdrawerer.

Now “withdrawal” in all kind of addiction recovery is a scary word. Alcohol is the most dangerous and is one of the only drugs that, if you are dependent, can kill you if you stop suddenly. In layman’s terms alcohol is a central nerve depressant and when you become dependent your brain needs it to function. With out it the brain becomes over stimulated, you can have shakes, sweats, hallucination and eventually seizures and death. If you’re worried about this it’s important not to stop drinking with out medical advice so seek some advice.
Scary stuff, and I’m grateful it’s not what I’m going through. Title perhaps misleading.

It’s been a tough week this week due to lots of complicated family stuff that is, frankly, not my story to tell but it’s shaken me. I’m emotional and struggling, not with being alcohol free necessarily, just in general. So…naturally I have stopped talking to pretty much all of my friends. I’ve cancelled my attendance at our Saturday night zoom quiz, I’ve muted the group chat, replying to messages with “I’m fine” and am sticking my fingers in my ears and shouting “I’M NOT LISTENING” to my inner voice telling me I’m a bell end. I know, even as I write, I am aware the voice is right. I most definitely AM a bell end.

I can picture how annoyed my friends would be that I’m sat here struggling, feeling emotionally drained and alone with out picking up the phone to them. I always feel better when I do, they honestly are just the most fantastic people, I just can’t bring myself to do it. I feel exhausted at the thought of it. I’m 10 days sober, annoyed at the world and I just want to curl up in a ball, close the curtains and sleep for 10 more days.

I know I will contact people tomorrow because I know it is the right thing to do but I think, just for today, I need to be kind to myself about it.
Just for today I can really only deal with one problematic behavior at a time so I’m going to make myself an alcohol free G&T and keep the group chat muted.

And probably smoke a few cigarettes.

And bite my nails to shit.

And stick on The Smiths.

Just for today.

P.S. The Smiths is a maybe to be honest. Alcohol free gin, cigarettes and The Smiths might just be the tipping point for anyone.